[Hip-hop music]
♪
You know what, bear claw?
Today, I am not gonna eat you till I get to work.
That's discipline, my friend. Sorry about that.
You know what? Watch your back!
I'm not gonna make it. Oh!
Ahh! Ahh!
Oh, I am so sorry. Oh, my God!
Take my money! It's in my bra!
No, no, no. Nothing like that.
Can I help you up? Oh, that was dreadful.
Oh, my God, you got creamed.
Yeah, I did.
But I didn't get hurt that badly,
because luckily, I have a big butt
and it cushioned my fall.
Yeah!
Okay, I can say that, not you.
You know what?
You should be in school, young man.
I'm gonna call the truant officer,
who is a close, personal friend of mine.
I'm in my 40s.
You're in your...
You have shorts on and black socks.
Uh, says the woman wearing pajamas.
These are scrubs.
Oh! A doctor. Uh-huh.
That's pretty cool. It is.
What are you doing right now?
You wanna get a burrito?
No, I do not wanna get a burrito.
It's 9:00 A.M.
Okay, well, if you change your mind...
I will not.
My name is Graham Logan.
Cool name, doesn't matter.
Oh, uh, it was nice crashing into you.
Okay.
Did you see that?
That's how good I am at sex.
[Hip-hop music]
♪
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/
(Mary) I love hummus.
I'm not even kidding.
I could live on hummus.
[Laughing]
I actually made hummus once.
Yeah? Yeah.
It's very easy, if you have a food processor.
Big "if." [Laughing]
Mindy, what's your favorite kind of hummus?
No, no.
Hey, everyone, I think that dinner is probably served.
Right, Colin, Anna?
So why don't we go over there and talk to other people?
Are you kidding me? Assigned seats?
What is this, the Oscars?
That's okay, just sit down next to me.
I'm sure Chaz will not mind.
Hey, Danny, I think this is my seat.
Uh, we're just gonna switch it up.
Get outta here.
There's arranged seats for a reason.
Go, go, go, go. All right.
Scram, scram. You're messing it up.
Hey. Hi.
We must've done something pretty bad
to get stuck all the way over here in the cheap seats.
Yeah, or maybe they think we're most likely
to get in some sort of trouble.
Hi, I'm Chaz. Hi.
And this is my wife Renee,
and her daughter from her first husband, Clementine.
Why are you all alone?
Where's your baby?
(Chaz) Clementine, don't be rude to the lady.
Wait. Am I at the couples table?
Hey, guys, why am I
not sitting at the singles table?
Every time we try to set you up with a guy,
you find something wrong with him and get mad at us.
You're too picky. We've given up.
You've given up? You've given up?
What was that? You've given up?
Okay, you know what, I put a curse on your family.
Mindy, don't say that.
Danny. Hey, Danny, Danny.
I have huge news.
Yeah, I'm in the middle of something right now.
Giuliani is running for mayor again.
Excuse me, Mary.
What exactly did you hear?
Okay, I made that up.
But listen, listen, listen, listen.
Colin and Anna, they just told me that I'm too picky
and they've totally given up on setting me up.
Well, they're right. You are too picky.
Last year, you refused to go out with Chaz
because his name was Chaz.
Okay, you did not tell me that he was hot.
Okay, I can't tell if a guy's hot, just masculine.
I gotta get back to my bread, okay?
Yeah, you better get back to Mary.
Don't wanna be the last person here
to slit your wrists out of boredom.
Look. Look. She's calming, okay?
She's like a white noise machine to me.
Okay, well, then you should ask her out.
And your first date could be eating crackers
and watching the weather channel.
Hey, at least I won't be doing it alone.
Ow! What... did you just stab me with a fork?
[Blows]
Oh, look, Mr. laid-back Bruce Willis John Wayne
has finally mosied into work.
Dude, come on.
I can't be more than, what,
five... teen minutes late?
Dude, you were meant to be here an hour ago
to rehearse for our birthing class tomorrow.
Oh, no. The birthing class!
Yeah. What do I know about delivering babies?
Oh, right, everything. Hink.
All right, unnecessary. Everybody, listen up.
I have an important visitor coming today,
and I would appreciate it
if you could act with a little bit of dignity
and treat me like I've got some authority.
Thank you.
All right, you have gotta relax.
Oh, Morgan, Morgan! Why are your hands sopping wet?
Because I just went to the bathroom.
Do you know that the water in the toilet
is actually cleaner than the water in the sink?
I... It is.
No, I read it on the Internet.
I read a whole article about it.
Sorry, man, if I can't smoke in here,
neither can you.
Oh, no, no, no.
Nonsense, Beverly. This is my father.
He can do what he wants.
Welcome to Shulman and associates, dad.
The practice your son is now managing partner of.
I see you got fat.
Yeah, I did a bit. Yeah.
Oh! What is this?
Jer-bear, is this your dad?
Yes.
You gotta tell me
all about this guy as a baby.
[As Jeremy] I'm managing baby of the crib.
Fry up my bottle so I can get fatter.
That's charming.
I think I like this one, Jeremy.
Look, I'm only in town for the night.
Why don't you join us for dinner?
Uh, done-zo. I'd love to.
Right, it's just I kinda thought
it was just gonna be the two of us.
What would we talk about?
I don't know, our shared lives?
My brothers, your sons, my career?
Why can't we do that with Peter there?
Let him come.
You haven't got that many friends, son.
Fine.
You look like James Bond.
People often say that, yeah.
You look like Austin powers.
Oy, Peter. Shagadelic, baby.
I don't have glasses, so it doesn't really work.
Yeah, but you have the teeth and the weight.
All right, I'll see you at dinner.
Everyone? Everyone! Listen up!
Last night, I was attacked by Daniel Castellano.
[Gasps]
With words.
But still painful as though it was a blow to the head.
He told me that I was gonna die alone
because I'm too picky.
You are a little picky.
No, I am not picky. I just have standards.
You wouldn't date my son just because he's my son.
Yes, exactly. Thank you, Beverly.
You looking for a guy? 'Cause I got one for you.
Oh. Perfect.
My frat bro, "hit n' Ron."
Nope. No way.
Oh, you think his nickname is that because he did it.
No, no, no, it happened to him.
Okay. Um, is he cute?
No. Good personality?
He's kind of a dick.
Is he rich? Negative.
Why would you think that I would like this person?
You're a five, he's a five.
What?
Everyone knows that I'm an 8, 8 1/2.
Two fives make a ten.
[Scoffs] Picky.
Stupid.
Graham! It's you!
Yo, yo!
Oh, God! Oh!
Sorry. Dude!
I'm good.
Oh, it's bear claw! Yeah!
How did you find me?
I went to all the loser-iest places I could find...
Every tattoo parlor, every comic book store,
every marijuana dispensary...
All to find you.
Anyway, I wanted to know if the offer still stands
to take me out.
That ship has sailed.
Okay. I'm just kidding.
I literally have nothing to do.
What are you in the mood for?
Anything! Because I am not picky, my friend.
Ah. Yeah.
Okay.
I do not like Italian, Chinese, or Indian food,
ironically enough.
Doesn't sit with my stomach 'cause I have colitis, so.
[Phone chimes]
Is Mindy home? [Screaming]
Murderer! Ah! Hey!
No! It's me. Graham.
What the hell?
Well, you said 8:00.
Oh, let me guess.
The boring stockbrokers you usually date
come in through the door.
Yeah, they also don't get shot.
Lucky for you, I lost my handgun.
I see a fire escape, I climb it.
If I see something I want, I take it.
And if I see a comfy sofa, oh, I like to flop on it.
Ahh!
Oh, my God.
What happened to your elbow?
Oh, I "shralped" it.
What does that mean?
I got this one, uh, 1990.
My first international skating tour.
I got super loaded and fell off the Louvre.
And this?
Broken collarbone. X-games '02.
Wow! You competed injured, like Kerri Strug?
No, I got super loaded and fell off the podium
at the medal ceremony.
Of course.
But I learned something that day.
Drinking was holding me back from following my bliss.
So I got clean, except on weekends.
Started my skateboard company, pregnant mermaid.
Designed the logo myself.
Her boobs are great.
Any idiot can draw boobs. Check out the hand.
I'm proudest of the hand.
Mm. You have any scars?
Mm, only on my heart.
Oh! No, I actually have a scar.
This is from Filene's basement, 2002.
I was rushing to try on a shirt.
Still had its pins in it.
I almost died that day.
Whoa.
(Waiter) Two beers.
Thank you. And one Jill's naughty lemonade
with agave instead of simple syrup
and skinny bitch vodka.
Thank you. Okay, thank you.
[Laughs] Good God, man!
Well, I'm sorry, dad, but a beer would cost me
all my splurge points for the week.
Look, if you wanna lose some L.B.S,
you gotta come lift with me and my rugby team.
You were on your college rugby team?
There is a man.
Oh, I should say it was really more of a drinking team
with a rugby problem.
What! [Laughs]
And I was the Captain.
So long, splurge points.
(Graham) Can I get chicken and frijoles?
That was Spanish. Was it?
Yeah, I got you what I got, which is a garbage burrito.
Okay. Oh!
Hold up, check this out.
Excuse me. Oh.
Did anyone order the super hot Indian girl
with the extra curves?
Graham! You're gonna get in trouble.
Besides, I'm not even that hot.
And number 69, your order is up.
[Laughter]
No, that's... that's a good... That's a good joke.
I'm so impressed you're a doctor.
I probably would've just cleaned my elbow
with ginger ale and taped a sock on it.
Poor man's health insurance, right?
Do you not have health insurance?
I can't skate the way I need to skate
thinking I'm gonna get hurt, you know?
I don't know. You should explain that.
If you smile into a mirror, what do you see?
My crow's feet, this one fang I have
that I need to get shaved down.
It's the worst.
I believe the universe is a mirror,
and it reflects what you put out there.
I like that.
So if I get health insurance, I'm gonna get hurt.
Nope, it got dumb again.
Different philosophies, both valid.
They're not both valid.
Whoops-a-Daisy.
I put a thumb-hole through my milkshake.
It's all leaking out. Can I have some of yours?
[Mixed chatter]
Hey, that was such an interesting exchange of ideas.
You know what we should do?
We should get high.
You know what, Graham?
I think that's gonna have to be good night.
My body is very attracted to your body,
but when you speak, my brain gets angry.
Okay, but you're still coming over, right?
Get our bronze medal at the winter sex-games.
What are you talking about!
What about this evening would make you think
that I would do that?
And why would we only get a bronze...
Oh. My phone!
That has, like, eight years of photos in it.
All my selfies!
Oh. Hyah!
(Mindy) Oh, my God!
What are you doing?
I'm okay.
Graham, get out of there!
Ahh.
Oh, God, get out! Get out! Graham!
Oh. I think this is your train.
Graham! Graham! Get out of there!
Graham, I cannot believe you risked your life
just to save my cell phone.
That is the bravest thing that I've ever seen.
Hi, Peter.
Did you have a good time with my father last night?
Bro, what happened to you?
I don't wanna say that we are the new unofficial mayors
of the Oneida Indian moon resort and casino,
because then I'd be repeating what it says
on my t-shirt!
[Laughing]
These things are free.
They give them to you when you lose over $5,000.
Sounds fun.
How were you not there?
Well, when my dad stumbled in at 5:00 A.M.,
he told me that my invite got lost in my panty drawer!
Yo, everybody! How's it going?
Oh, God.
(Morgan) Oh, jeez!
What happened?
Luckily, I have all these pads.
What's up with the helmet, Brett Favre?
Uh, I'll have you know
I am dating a professional skateboarder.
So the only thing picky about me are my scabs.
All right, so you're dating this loser to prove a point?
Or maybe I like him and you should get to know him.
Actually, yeah. We should all go out for dinner.
You could invite that boring girl.
Unless... did you not call her 'cause she's so boring
and you're the picky one?
I don't... just... It's our schedules
and, you know, phone tag.
I don't have the bells and whistles phone plan
with night minutes, I don't have it.
Why don't you call her from here?
We'll all go out to dinner. Fantastic.
Tell your guy to wear his fanciest dress shorts.
Okay. Tell Mary to bring a personality.
I will. I won't!
Great, now you got me too worked up to eat my muffin.
You know, Graham skateboarded in over 25 different countries,
including north Korea,
but we're not supposed talk about it.
Well, it's fun to be a tourist,
but Mary actually lived in Japan.
When I was two.
Or three.
Two? Let me text my mom.
That's okay, Mary. We're good.
Oh, no, it's okay.
I text her every 90 minutes anyways.
Wow, your mother must be really interesting.
Oh, boy. She collects cow stuff.
[Clears throat] Graham, so pregnant mermaid.
That's a quirky name. How'd you come up with that?
I believe that it has to do with the fertility of new ideas.
I saw one.
You saw a mermaid?
No, I saw a pregnant mermaid.
In a dream? In Bali.
She was just sunning herself on a rock.
God, why do they put this soy sauce
in two different containers?
One of 'em's low sodium.
So Graham, you were telling us you saw a mermaid?
At first, I thought I was hallucinating,
because I was dehydrated from semen depletion.
But then she turned to me and said,
"pergilah dalam damai."
That means "go in peace" in Balinese.
Here's the crazy part.
I don't speak Balinese.
Goosebumps much? [Laughing]
Glad I asked.
There's a chance some personal photographs might pop up.
Don't allow them to. But... I'm gonna try.
Hey, buddy.
Just wanna make sure we're all good.
All right, you guys ready to rock? Yeah.
Um, yes. Okay.
Hello, everybody.
My name is Dr. Jeremy Reed.
And I guth makes me...
Dr. Peter Prentice. How about that?
[Light laughter]
Adding jokes, are we?
I didn't realize it was a comedy routine.
Just bantering.
Let's begin with the five preliminary signs of labor.
Okay, Braxton Hicks.
Now what is that?
No, Toni Braxton did not marry Taylor Hicks.
[Laughter]
Soul patrol!
Remember that guy?
(Jeremy) You guys like that, do you?
You prefer this lout to me?
Maybe you should get in line behind my father!
[All gasp]
Whoa, whoa.
I think we have a technical glitch right here.
I think we got a technical glitch right there.
Yeah, yeah.
What's going on? I don't know. I don't know.
Get it together. Get it together right now.
Because these people paid for a fun baby show.
Uh, we fixed it. Fixed the glitch.
It's the doll.
Okay, Braxton Hicks.
Now those are specific uteri contractions.
I'm so sorry. I've got a quick question.
Any dads having sons?
Well, hello, dads.
Look forward to a lifetime of disappointment
because your little Jeremies can't ride a bicycle
no matter how drunk and sadistic you get.
All right.
Because your little son is saying,
"I don't wanna go down that hill." We're gonna go.
Morgan? "Maybe I won't come back up the hill."
And maybe he won't! Whoa.
Ah, my name is nurse Morgan.
I'm here to name your babies.
Grover.
John.
Grover.
So Graham, selling skateboards.
Mm.
Do you plan to branch into pogo sticks?
I don't know.
You specialize in vaginas.
You hoping to branch into boobs?
[Laughing]
I check boobs every damn day,
so the joke's on you.
[Laughing] I like you, man.
You're like my parents.
They're very happy in a gated retirement community.
I get it.
Some lions like a cage.
A cage?
Uh, more like a cool condo with a 15-year fixed.
Yeah, Graham's not really like a "mortgage" kind of guy.
He's just too wild and unpredictable.
It's sexy, you're like a cowboy.
You know what we should do?
We should dine and dash.
That would be hilarious, Graham,
violating a social contract.
Mindy, you love that kinda stuff, right?
I do, actually. I'm quite wild.
For instance, Mary,
I use a multivitamin that is not approved by the FDA.
You know, Sushi restaurants are raping our oceans.
Is that how your mermaid got pregnant?
No, it was consensual sex with a sea Captain.
Oh, my mom just texted me back.
I was wrong.
I was four when I lived in Japan,
and from two to three, we were in Arizona,
three to four, Minnesota, and then, I think...
[Clears throat]
Mindy, can I talk to you for a second?
Just really quick.
It's just work related. Sure. Love to.
Bye, Graham.
You'll be right back.
Would you cut it out? You're acting like a brat.
I am? Yes.
You haven't let off Graham since the edamame arrived.
They're called soy beans.
They're from Iowa, okay?
How far are you gonna let this go
before you admit that guy's a loser?
When I like someone, he's a loser,
and if I don't like someone, I'm too picky.
What do you want me to do, Danny?
I don't know. Web dating.
Okay, don't give me advice on who to date.
Back off, grandpa.
That's not an insult, okay?
Grandfathers are the backbone of this country.
I can't get into this grandfathers thing with you.
It's on, dogs.
We're dining and dashing.
No, no. No.
Oh, God. Okay.
What do you wanna do?
You gonna pay the bill,
or you gonna run off with your soul mate?
Okay, we're going. We're going!
Come on, come on, come on!
(Graham) Oh! Over the fence!
Here we go! Yeah!
[Fence rattling]
Ah. Come on! Over the fence!
[Mary laughing]
This is the craziest thing I've ever done!
Oh, I gotta text my mom.
Go, Danny! Go do it!
[Exhales]
Yah!
I got it!
No, you don't have it. Help him. I got it.
Do it like Graham did it.
Do you? You do. I got it.
Yeah, you do! Oh, God!
There we go.
Okay, if Danny can do it, I can do it too.
Ow! Ow! You okay?
Come on, Mindy. I think I have tetanus.
Move your ass!
Excuse me?
No, no, no! Come on, come on, come on!
Slide through the crack.
Okay, that's a great idea. Okay.
I can do this. You got it.
Okay, good, good, good, good, good.
(Danny) It's a good thing your boobs are small.
I have huge cans. Everybody knows that.
Come on, come on, come on.
All right. Okay! Okay!
Come on. You can do it.
Right there.
Okay, Graham, I can't do this.
Sure you can!
Just suck in your butt!
Yeah, my body can't do that.
Come here.
Look, you are beautiful and charismatic,
but I'm a woman of science and you are man of non-sci...
Nonsense, actually.
So this isn't gonna work out.
Although, I would've loved to have had sex with you
but once.
Yeah.
I kinda thought this was gonna end in a four-way.
Ugh.
Three-way?
What?
Two-way?
One-way it is.
Good-bye, Mindy.
Pergilah dalam damai.
Oh, bother.
My favorite commercial right now
is the one where it's a baby
but he talks in a man's voice.
It's really funny,
and it really makes me laugh.
Mm.
[Snorts]
Did you just fall asleep?
No! I'm not sl... I'm awake.
It's a big night, lot of sake and...
My sweater's a little... It's heavy for this weather.
You know what? Tonight was really fun,
but after meeting Graham, I just realized
that I need someone with more personality.
Bye. [Scoffs]
[Exhales]
Hey, Chappelle! What's with the meltdown?
I'm an embarrassment to my father,
to my family, to the entire Reed riding crop empire.
You? An embarrassment? I "B" to "D."
What? I beg to diff.
Speak in English. Speak in full words.
You came to a whole new country,
became the head doctor of an awesome practice,
you learned to drive on the opposite side of the road,
and you took a chance on a rude dude with a bad 'tude
when no one would.
Huh? I wouldn't be here if not for you.
So in my book, you are always baller status.
You know what?
I am baller status.
I gotta tell you, if there's anyone
that's an embarrassment to your family, it's your dad.
I mean, at the casino last night,
he was scamming on some pretty rough
Monday night prostitutes.
Dad does like his prosies.
Now bring it in!
Hey! What are you doing here?
I came back to pay.
Really?
Mary didn't run out of Internet videos
to partially remember?
I fell asleep while she was talking.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
And I didn't even wake up when she started kissing me.
What? Look.
How often is that happening to you
that you give up those oppor... okay.
Can we just admit that we were both dumb?
That we were both dating someone to prove a point?
Okay, it began as me trying to prove a point.
Okay.
But it evolved into a very deep need
for me to have sex with him.
Okay, that's enough. And I hope that need goes away.
I don't get the tattoo thing.
He looked like the wall of a bar bathroom.
I thought it was super hot.
In fact, I was thinking of getting a tattoo on my wrist
that says "breathe." Breathe?
Is that something you forget to do?
Why don't you put "walk" on your feet?
You should think about getting "idiot" on your forehead.
Okay.
You know what? If you're gonna dis me,
don't eat all of my dessert!
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/